I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
