The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
