Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
