We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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