I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
