ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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