remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
