Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
