there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
