i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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