i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
