In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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