meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
