Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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