i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can text with my tongue
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
