this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
