im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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