so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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