so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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