Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
