I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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