I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
