I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
