she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
