I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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