I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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