genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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