At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
