Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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