My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Someone came in the potted fern
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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