Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
