we made out on top of his cat.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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