Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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