So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
