did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
