Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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