I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
