WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
