I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
