Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
zippers are such a cool invention
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
