she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Soap is not a condiment
the condom got lost in my hair
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
