At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
