I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
