you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
