My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
