you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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