I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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