I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
