I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
