i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
