I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
