just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
