okay pat passed out under dana's car
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
