And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize