We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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