Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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